On Firsts and Lasts (and all the in between)

We've been experiencing a lot of firsts around here. First time making it thru a nap diaper free, first time swinging on the big girl swing all by herself, first time not needing mama to reach something, and the list goes on. While Xiomara experiences all these firsts over the past few months, I'm acutely made aware of the fact that I'm experiencing lots of lasts. Life is a bit funny that way. Here I am cheering on Xiomara thru tears in my own eyes.

I've had a lot of people ask us over the years if we will have more children, either thru adoption or birth, and as the years go by I've answered very honestly that I'm not sure. However, as Xiomara is set to turn four this summer, and as we had three girls in three year, I know that this break has been good for us and I'm thinking more and more that we are about to move into a new season of our lives.

Typing that out brings a certain sadness. I think I will have to learn to live with that ache, as my friend, Sarah Bessey puts it.


It hasn't been easy though. Each time I go thru the closets and set aside of bag of clothes to sell to a friend, I struggle. The 2T clothes were the hardest as I realized I no longer have a baby. Instead, I have a full-on preschooler who rarely sits still to snuggle in my lap these days.

I have three growing girls who all are developing their taste for certain independence from me. I'm thankful that late at night, each girl curls up with me as we read a book together and I'm able to have my "babies" back for just a bit.


My Facebook feed is filling up with friends who are announcing they are pregnant or adopting, and I feel that familiar pull. My heart aches with wanting to celebrate with a new baby in our family. Every once and awhile Zoelle begs me to have a baby and then I really question if we are doing the right thing, or if we should give them another sibling.

However, most times I realize how blessed I am now to have three, beautiful little girls with curly heads full of hair. I'm blessed to have a six year old who loves to read, play piano, and sing. I'm blessed to have a four year old who is independent and plays on her own for hours. I'm blessed to have a three year old who has an exuberance for life that has made me smile on even the hardest days. They will all grow older soon and I'll be blessed when they hit each of the coming ages as well.


For now, my days are full and I'm learning to live with the ache and pull, and instead just be here in the present, enjoying it as much as I enjoyed the baby days.


What stage of life are you in? Did you have to learn to live with the ache?