I failed tonight as a mama. :(

Note: This post was written several nights ago and I wrote it so I can stay accountable to God, others, and myself (as I often go back and re-read things I post). Oh and because writing is therapeutic for me.

Tonight was not a good night. I failed in so many ways as a mother. Everything I stand for as a mother was tested to the max tonight.

And I failed.

I was so far from attachment parenting with my one daughter who just refused to go to sleep tonight, along with many other nights for the last two years. I lost it. I raised my voice. I screamed. I was not calm. I looked over at her big sister who was watching me and saw true fear in her eyes.

And I realized how wrong I was.

I hugged my baby tight, prayed over her exhausted little body, apologized to her, laid her down, and walked away. She whimpered for the thousand time, but I knew I had to leave her.

When her tiny body finally gave in to sleep and I saw her sleeping on our video monitor, tears streamed down my face as I realized this is not how I wanted to end my night.

Not how I want to be as a mama. Not how I wanted to behave.

You see I've been working so very hard on changing who I am as a mom. One area I especially struggle in is staying calm and speaking life to my girls. This picture that I recently shared on my facebook page spoke volumes to me.

For our words really do have the power of life or death don't they?

However tonight, as I found out, my actions also have the power of life or death. The image of my oldest daughter's fearful eyes is the image that comes to mind when I think of "Your actions have power use them wisely".

Sometimes when I fail as a mom, my past parenting mistakes come back to me and I feel as if I will never change or never learn. I feel defeated, guilty, and embarrassed. But then I remember that I am more than my past mistakes.

So tonight as I failed as a mama, I cried out to God for forgiveness and vowed to Him, to my husband, and silently to my girls that I will do better tomorrow.

Oh I know I'll fail at some point once again. But tonight I am so very, very thankful that His mercies really are new every morning.

Image sources: Pinterest