Z

You are 3 today. I can hardly believe it. Sometimes I stare at you and wonder where the years have gone? It's bittersweet little Z to see you as 3. Earlier tonight you were helping me make your birthday supper of homemade mac n' cheese and you said to me, "I'm three now mom, I can do it." Yes, sweetheart, you are three now and you can do anything.

I know this past year for you has not been an easy one. For exactly two years, you had all the attention in the world. Your daddy, mommy, grandpas, grandmas, aunts, uncles, and everyone loved only you. But the day after you turned two, they fell in love with Meridian and I think that hurt your little heart very much. What you don't know baby is that it hurt mine too. I hurt for you. Everyday since that day has been a struggle for you. For two years you were all spirit, but also so sweet and sensitive. You changed completely the day your sister was born. For that I am sorry. I love your sister to pieces, but almost everday I wish I could go back to the old Zoelle and mommy (all while keeping your sister). The one who didn't fight with mom and didn't cry everyday. From time to time, I get glimpses of the "old" you and I cherish those moments. But I also don't hate the new moments we have had. I'm just learning a new "normal" with you.

I so want to give you the world. Yet I know that you have to make your decisions. You will decide the road you will walk. I know you will choose wisely just as you are today (on days that are hard). Remember that I will always be here for you. I'm proud of you Zoelle and I love you more than you will ever know. Happy 3rd Birthday!